Troubles and Treats

Page 52

“You thought Jackson wanted to have sex with me?” Jenny asks in surprise.

“Um, yes. Why the hell wouldn’t I? He’s a good-looking guy and you’re hot as f**k. Of course I would think Jackson wants to have sex with you,” I tell her. “And another thing...he’s been in that bathroom too long. If he’s spooping in our toilet, we’re going to have words.”

Jenny pauses with a bottle in her hand and looks at me in confusion.

“If Jackson wants to poop in our toilet, he can poop in our toilet. He’s our friend. Jim poops in our toilet all the time,” she says.

“Jim poops in our toilet all the time because he has three girls who constantly knock on the door and ask him if he can paint their nails or brush Barbie’s hair. His poop gets stage fright at his house. This is completely different. Jackson is depositing spoop in our home!” I complain.

“Will you keep your voice down! He’s going to hear you!” Jenny scolds.

“I think he SHOULD hear me! He can take as many dumps as he likes in my toilet. But they can’t be spoop dumps!”

Jenny mutters to herself as she puts Billy down in his bouncy seat up on the counter and buckles him in.

“Stop saying spoop! I don’t even know what that is. You know I don’t like it when you use big words I don’t know,” she complains as she zips the diaper bag closed.

“It’s very simple to understand. Jackson said he had sex this morning. Thereby confirming that he has spooge floating around in his back door regions. It’s not just poop at that point anymore, Jenny. It’s SPOOP. He’s SPOOPING where we brush our teeth! Now every time I go in there, I’m going to see spoop. Spoop in the toilet, spoop on the floor, spoop on the walls. Everywhere I look there will be SPOOP and it’s all his fault!”

Jackson is g*y. Jackson does NOT want to sleep with my wife. This makes me so happy. Spoop makes me so sad.

“That man made you a trophy case and is taking you shoe shopping today. He can spoop on our living room carpet if he wants!” Jenny argues.

“Oh, now you’re just being silly. Why would he spoop on the carpet? He’s not a dog,” I tell her as I make faces at Billy while he coos and smiles at me.

“If you turn out to be g*y, you’d never spoop in Daddy’s toilet, would you, Billy? No you wouldn’t! You’d keep your spoop to yourself because you love Daddy.”

A few minutes later, Jackson walks into the kitchen and stands next to me. All I can do is look at his hands and hope he washed the spoop off of them. It will be embarrassing if I have to remind him.


Jenny sighs and shakes her head when she hears Veronica yelling from the bathroom in the upstairs hallway.

“Um, is she asking you to rape her?” Jackson questions with a laugh.

“Yep, she totally is. She’s having a hard time saying ‘wipe me’ right now after she goes to the bathroom by herself,” I explain to him.

I wonder when Jackson is in his own home, if he screams, “SPOOP ME! SPOOP ME!”

“It’s not funny when she does it in a McDonald’s bathroom that is full of people,” Jenny says as she leaves the kitchen and heads down the hall to help Veronica.

Jackson and I are left alone together in the kitchen with Billy, and I’m having a hard time looking him in the eye.

“I take it you didn’t know I was g*y,” Jackson finally says.

“No, but it’s all good, man. I don’t judge.”

Unless you spoop in my toilet. Then I will judge the mother f**king spoop out of you.

“Okay, good. Because I really like this guy, and I really like you and Jenny,” he tells me.

And you really like to spoop.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I got something else for you,” he says as he jogs over to the front door and picks up a bag I hadn’t even seen him put there.

He walks back over and hands me the bag. I dig inside and pull out a shirt that says: I like blow jobs, anal, and shopping. Not particularly in that order.

Oh man. Here it comes. I’m going to cry.

I throw the shirt on the kitchen counter, grab Jackson, and give him a hug.

“You’re such a good guy. I hope this Dave dude treats you right, and if he doesn’t, I’ll kick his ass. And I don’t care if you want to spoop in my toilet every single day, man. My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose,” I tell him as I release him from the hug.

I have found a new best friend, and I don’t care if he is the meat in a triple decker man sandwich. He makes me trophy cases and buys me non-ass-raping garden gnomes and t-shirts.

As I throw my new shirt on over top of the one I was wearing, Jenny and Veronica emerge from down the hallway.

“Mommy raped my spoop!” Veronica shouts as she runs into the living room.

Chapter 22 – I Wanna Strawberry Laid!

“Wait a minute, so you still haven’t talked to Drew?” Claire asks as we walk over to a rack of clearance clothes and pick through them.

While the guys had gone shopping for shoes, we decided to have a girl’s day and go to the mall. Liz’s two older girls are playing at a friend’s house today so she just has Molly with her. After a lot of protesting from him, Claire had brought Gavin and Sophia was with Carter’s parents. I have Veronica and Billy with me, so I'm pushing them in the double stroller.

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