Troubles and Treats

Page 54

“Oh, I think you’re HILARIOUS!” Liz says, not even bothering to hide her laughter. “Tell me your joke.”

Gavin turns to face her. “Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?” Liz asks, giggling with each word.

I hear Claire’s camera phone click next to me as she takes a picture.

“Y,” Gavin states.

“Y who?”

“Y YOU SUCK!” Gavin shouts, laughing at his own joke.

“Yeah, your joke – not funny. But you wearing women’s underwear on your head? Priceless. Make sure you send that picture to me. It’s going on my fridge,” Liz tells Claire.

“You guys are all a bunch of donkey crap bags,” Gavin complains as he walks away from our laughter.

“Okay, anyway, back to our discussion. Why would you think you broke Drew’s penis? Just because you told him you didn’t want to have wild and crazy sex?” Claire asks.

“Well, he was kind of inside me when I said it. And it made him soft. Like, really quickly. It felt like I shoved a balloon inside me and then popped it with a pin. That can’t be good.”

“This analogy of his penis and your vagina is really not something I need to be picturing in my head right now,” Liz complains.

“Eeew, Drew's penis and my vagina do NOT have analogy. That’s just gross. I have never had a green, slimy vagina, and do you think I would honestly let Drew’s penis anywhere near my cooter if it looked like that?” I complain.

“Oh for the love of God, focus, Jenny!” Claire says as we make our way up to the cashier. “Making a guy go soft doesn’t break his penis. You shocked the horny right out of him. Which as far as I know, is a first for Drew. He’s probably freaked out and thinks you’ve changed and doesn’t know how to deal with it. That’s why he hasn’t tried to initiate anything since then.”

I sigh as I pile my merchandise onto the counter.

Is Claire right? Does Drew think I’ve changed and doesn’t know how to act around me anymore?

“I feel like we’ve grown so far apart and I hate it. It’s like we don’t even know each other. It’s the worse feeling in the world.”

Claire pats my back as she finishes placing her items on the counter next to mine.

“You guys absolutely still know each other. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, he’s still your best friend and the one person who knows everything about you. It’s a rough patch. Couples have them and if they are strong enough, they work through them. You guys are strong enough. You just have to get on the same page.”

Gavin bounces past us with an umbrella in one hand, swinging it through the air and smacking it into hanging racks of clothes, knocking some to the ground. Now he has a blue bra strapped to the top of his head like the guys in the movie ‘Weird Science’.

“Oh my God, I just had the best idea ever!” Liz shouts as she yanks the umbrella out of Gavin’s hand and pulls the bra off of his head while Gavin lets out a groan of protest.

“Seriously, dude. I’m saving your life right now. Your mom already has a picture of you with women’s underwear on your head. Do you really want to try and get laid in high school when there’s a picture of you with a bra on your head too? I just saved your social life. Tell Auntie Liz thank you,” she tells him as she tosses the bra onto a table and leans the umbrella against another.

“I know what getting laid means. Dad told me and it’s gross. I’m never doing that,” Gavin complains.

“Wait, let me get my video camera out,” Claire states as she digs in her purse again for her cell phone. “Say that again, slowly.”

“Mommy, I wanna laid!” Veronica shouts from the stroller.

“Me too! I wanna laid! I wanna strawberry laid!” Molly screams in delight.

“This is disturbing, and yet funny at the same time,” Liz states. “Anyway, back to my fantastic idea!”

Claire and I finish paying our bills and attempt to quiet the girls screaming about wanting laid, using bribery of candy as a last resort.

“Okay, what’s this great idea,” Claire asks as we make our way out of the store.

“Well, you feel like you and Drew have grown apart and don’t really know each other anymore, correct?” she asks me.

“Yeah,” I say sadly.

“Do you guys remember that old game show 'The Newlywed Game' from like the seventies?”

Claire nods and gets a huge smile on her face. “Oh my gosh, Liz, you are a genius! That is the best idea ever.”

I look at them questioningly as we walk towards the food court.

“I don’t understand. We’re not newlyweds. How is this going to help us? Do we have to get married again or something? I don’t know if I’ll be able to fit into my wedding outfit again if that’s the case.”

“Your wedding outfit was a white tube top, a pair of white boy shorts and white thigh-high stockings. I’m pretty sure anyone could fit into your wedding outfit,” Liz states as we find a table and try to figure out what the kids want for lunch. “No, there is no remarrying that needs to happen. 'The Newlywed Game' is answering questions about yourself and seeing if your partner gets them right. It’s a great way to see how compatible two people are.”

This sounds scary. Drew and I always used to know each other well but not lately. What if we completely blow this game and it only makes things worse between us?

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